Sunday January 24th

Yesterday I went on my Ayahuasca retreat.

There was a supportive energy and solidarity, unity and love filled the atmosphere. I didn’t know what was coming but I had prepared, I had introduced myself with my recent past and I feel like blockages and pains have been relieved.

We sat in a circle, said a prayer, spoke out our intentions, lit our candle and then went on to drink a cup of the enzyme-blocking brew before moving onto our cup of Ayahuasca brew.

I went for a quick wee straight afterwards and then laid down in my bed, waiting for it to take me on my journey.

It didn’t take long before I could feel the medicine spread through my body. From my limbs to my head and back. I could feel my face go numb, my arms and legs became heavy, and my breathing slowed down tremendously. I felt a tingling sensation go through me, spreading like a virus, as if I had to push it out. My body temperature was unstable. The parasite, my fear, had to be taken care of before I could slip away. I didn’t feel like I would be able to find the bucket, but the moment I had to, I had my head over it before I knew it. I purged. Once, twice, three times. I felt awake. Everything around me was vibrating. The contents of my bucket looked pink, with white, identical worms or parasites, as if they were looked at through a microscope. They just floated there, set in place. I couldn’t make out what they were, if they were even real at all.

The feverish feeling had left my body with it. I let myself fall back onto the mattress. Buried my face in the pillow, and thought to myself: “There is no going back now… Where will you take me? What would Lynn do..” But these thoughts were taken apart as quickly as they appeared. I lost control over my physical body. Every movement felt like moving mountains. A resonance came into me. A ringing sensation filled my head and everything around me in the other realm. I was no longer present in the physical world. I felt disconnected from my body. Visuals starting covering my eyelids and the space beyond that. There was a wide canvas, showing black and white patterns, trembling and moving around gradually. Many foxes and an owl appeared during these visuals that hovered in my mind for quite a while. I tried to connect with my physical body, but failed again and again. It wanted me to surrender. For a brief moment I wanted to get out, I felt like it was growing too intense for me to handle. I couldn’t open my eyes, couldn’t focus on my body, as I felt a discomfort with it’s origin in my body. I felt cold, my feet felt frozen. I couldn’t surrender as long as this discomfort was not dealt with. But I couldn’t bring myself to the point to open my eyes, reach for my sheets and fix the issue. I struggled for long, while in a strange, limitless “space”, where doors kept opening to the ringing chymes of the music. The serene tones formed the thread that lead me into myself, the path I had to follow blindly. There were patterned “monkeys” swinging steadily and rhythmic from door knob to door knob as the doors openen but revealed nothing new. The same patterns and the same sounds. A riddle I was faced with. The test I had to pass, to enter the realm inside me that I had to travel through. The parts in me I had to explore.

I tried different things, but the discomfort was still present. I don’t know how, but I found the sheets in the physical world. While grunting in an attempt to fight it, I was able to pull them closer and partly over me. Renee had noticed my struggle, and lent a helping hand. I was able to thank him with words but I don’t know how I did it. I slowly felt my body warming up. I curled up underneath the covers, with my blanket around me underneath. It was a safer place for me, warm and secure. Familiar yet new. I had brief flashes, breaking the trend of the relentless riddle setting. I was able to evoke images of scenery, in an attempt to break through, but to no avail. I felt like I wanted his trousers because the smell had recently brought me comfort and ease, but I couldn’t bring myself to the other end of the room in mind, let alone stand up and walk. I couldn’t break the loop. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes, and get what I desired at that moment. It wouldn’t let me quit. It was not done with me. I had yet to crack the code. To earn the liberty and comfort I sought. I smiled about the things I saw. I saw colours and joy. Innocent images that made me giggle and say “wow”. I felt like a child. I pulled my legs up and pressed my knees close into my chest, my arms crossed in front of me, and my hands resting by my neck and face. I felt safe. I started thinking about the trousers again. Even asking someone to get them for me was too much. I thought to myself: “How are you going to explain where they are… There is just no way?”. I laughed at myself, feeling stupid, so I let it be for the time being. I was distracted by the visuals. The innocence at play before me. Then I thought of Bruce -my cat, who means a lot to me. I saw his face, with his whiskers, ears, nose, and beautiful eyes. He looked awake. His face covered the most part of my view. His innocence and pure being. I felt joy while watching him. He was the first appearance. I saw him float by, as if I  had zoomed in on his fur. His movement was flow. The trousers interfered a couple of other times as well, along with thirst and hunger, but deep down I knew: it could wait. Everything in due time. Everything would fall into place regardless.

Then I saw my best friend’s face. As big as I had seen Bruce’s. I felt love, in the deepest sense of the word. Never had I experienced it like that. It’s hard to describe. She was glowing. Her cheeks looked flushed, as if she was very warm, overflowing with love.

I saw my parents. Together, in the ever-extending space. I was not looking at this from my point of view. I felt like nothing I could draw, or describe, just a witness. My parents radiated with love. And at this point I think my body felt overwhelmed. I started sniffing, grunting. Tears started rolling down my face. I remember wiping my face, but the course of action was not directed by me. It was automatic, and when I felt my fingers touch my skin, it felt reassuring. As if I were telling myself that everything was okay. Everything I had before, was still mine. It didn’t take long before I started crying like a small child, I felt bare and vulnerable, but at the same time very much at home. I opened my eyes and noticed my blanket, and the warmth that had fallen over me. A red glow shone through. As I was in this vulnerable state, I missed my mother most, and my friends, and my boyfriend. This comfort was much greater than what I’d experienced in my physical body ever. As the pain went through me, pain from within me, I could remember being held by my mother, when I was crying my eyes out in the real world. I wanted to be there. The softness and purity she radiated. I felt like everything that I became after a soul had inhibited me while I was awaiting birth, was stripped away. I had no fears, no future, no past, no insecurities… I was in my mother’s womb. Safe, warm, pure. I was nothing yet everything.

I cried for my friends. The pain they carried along with them. All the negative that had influenced them and was still present. I wanted them to feel the same thing I did. It was so beautiful all I could think was that everyone deserves to experience this blissful state. The purity and peace that everyone has felt at some point. Hidden inside, covered with scars, ego and pride. I cried for my parents. I wanted to take their pain away. Then I saw my brother, and felt his pain, too. It was all very real, and very intense. I had no view of where their pain came from, but it was more as if I was able to feel the energy they had been emitting when I was around, which may have been very subtle, and not noticeable in my “conscious” state. But in this atmosphere I felt everything so vividly, so real, that it was absolutely beautiful and breathtaking.

It’s hard to bring up the faces of everyone that passed me in my visions, but at one point I saw all the people who had left a mark on me as a person, everyone I appreciate so much for being in my life, for having a steady spot in my heart, holding hands in a big circle, fixed like a constellation in our nightly skies, rotating and radiating love. The crying had seized and I was just witnessing this. “oh my god” and “wooow” were things I could hear myself say in the physical world. I smiled.

Never have I ever felt so overwhelmed by love. It was omnipresent. It cut through everything, reached into every fiber, every corner of the ever extending space. I realised that love was the only “thing” that was real. That it is in our deepest nature and that it brings everything we need. It teaches us to respect, nurture, protect, grow and accept. Everything is connected through love. Every human and animal. Every plant and grain of sand. Every organism and everything that has been present for millions of years before man was able to build anything. This is our home and we were given the ability to love but have lost the ability to yield it. It was crystal clear to me. Love is everything. Life is love and we have to let it into our hearts. It is already present in our souls. A soul exists purely out of love. We have to let it teach us what it was meant to teach us. And to me that lesson was that nothing else matters anymore. I felt reborn, peaceful and free’d from my pain and agony. It didn’t matter where it came from, self-inflicted or inflicted by others, because I let love heal me, and was able to embrace it in every sense of the word.

Lynn, Antwerp

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